Jasey Rae
by EmmaEcstacy
Summary: Fixed an re-written. Inspired by All Time Low's Song, Jasey Rae. Jasey's life is pretty normal, 'til she is forced to move to New Jersey, where she meets a boy. Then her whole world starts turning upside down.


I really don't want to move, from the bright lights of New York, to the little suburbs of New Jersey. Plus I'm leaving all my friends behind, and the band. We were convinced we were going to make it big this summer. But now I've gone, I don't know. I suppose I could go back and visit, but it wouldn't be the same. Every night we'd get together and just play anything from Paramore, to Madina Lake. Although, there's a lot I wouldn't mind getting away from; All the arguments over any little thing. Everyone would get upset about it and not talk to anyone for ages. Just the thought of moving away to a new school and having to make new friends puts me off. But I suppose I have to go.

I can feel the cold wind on my face the moment I step out of the car. I'm going to like New Jersey.

"It will be back, like old times" Mum had said.

Before my dad died, we lived in New Jersey. But then when he was pronounced terminally ill, my mum couldn't cope.

She neglected me. I was only 7, but I learned how to cope without her. So, why aren't I back in New York? Because she would do something stupid, that's why. I wince at the memory of what had happened before we moved to New York to be closer to my Gran. Who died 3 months back, which is why we have moved back here.

I look at myself in the wing mirror of the car as I push my long, black hair to the side so I can see what a mess I've made of my make up on the journey here. My hair is natural today and I can't be bothered to do anything special to it on a day like this. I fall into a trance, thinking about everything I've left behind as I look into my chocolate brown eyes sparkling in the beaming sun light. I trace the line where the tears usually fall. My mum comes and puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Jasey," She says gently. "Come and see the house."

I shake her off and turn to her.

"I was just about to go look around the neighborhood. I will be back in a bit"

"But Jasey!" She starts. "You don't know your way around, or anyone round here."

I just turn away and begin walking. I can hear her walking after me, so I start running. Running away from it all, till I was round the corner and out of sight. I'm sure she isn't following me, so I go back to walking.

Soon I come across a park.

I stand there for a few moments. I can't believe my eyes. Sitting on the bench before me, are Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat! I panic and quickly hide behind a bush. Is it really them? Or is my mind playing tricks on me? There's only one way to find out. With all my guts, I walk out from my hiding place.

I slowly unlatch the gate and walk in. Alex looks up and winks at me. I gulp.

"Are you Alex Gaskarth?" I manage to whisper.

"Are you a mega fitty?" Laughs Jack.

Alex pretends to slap him.

"Yeah" He says grinning. "And you are..?"

"I'm Jasey Rae. I have loved your music since like forever!"

"Hey Jasey, or Is It Jasey Rae?" Jack says holding out his hand.

"Just Jasey" I answer as I grab it, to shake it and he pulls me onto his lap.

"How old are you babes?" He asks.

"Not old enough." I laugh.

"Damn" He says, sounding frustrated.

"I'm 15" I say and take my eyes away from Jack to look at Alex.

His eyes are fixed on me. His face lights up when I pout at him as a joke.

"What's your favorite song, Jasey?" Alex asks, not taking his eyes off mine.

I stare back, almost unable to answer.

"Erm… all the small things by Blink 182." I reply quickly.

"Really?" Says Jack. I still don't take my eyes off Alex.

"Yeah." I whisper, a little embarrassed.

"Is it because of the-" Jack tries to ask but is interrupted by Alex.

"Mine too" He says softly. He moves a little closer.

I edge off Jack's knee and Alex notices, he puts his hands round my waist and lifts me onto his.

I can feel my cheeks reddening.

"There's no need to feel embarrassed," Jack says, almost jokily.

We all look awkwardly at each other when silence falls as a little kid on his bike rides past.

Alex quickly breaks it, "How would you like to come watch us practice for a bit?"

Happiness sweeps across my whole face. "More than anything."

We walk for about 15 minutes to get to Alex's house. It seems much quicker than that though because were laughing and joking all the way.

As we approach the house, Alex tells Jack to go and get Rian and Zack from next door.

He trudges off. Alex slides his hands into mine.

"You're so pretty, did you know that?" he says. Putting my hand on my face and putting his hand on top.

I blush and look down. When I look up his face is so very close to mine.

He lets go of my hands and puts his hands round my waist. He pulls me close.

And kisses me.

"Ooh you two seem to be getting it on," Jack says as he comes back from seeing Rian.

Alex pulls away immediately and I'm left there, unable to move.

I look at Alex; he seems to be trying not to look at me. He goes to the front door and starts unlocking it.

Jack comes up to me.

"Jasey?" he whispers, waving his hand in front of my eyes.

Tears begin spurting. Jack puts his arm around me.

"Jasey, you have only been here about 5 minutes and we have already managed to upset you!"

"It's fine." I say, coming to my senses and looking away.

Jack puts his hands on my cheeks and wipes my tears.

"Ignore Alex, He really likes you." He takes my hand.

"Don't worry" he whispers in my ear and walks me into Alex's house.

As I step inside, by force of habit, I slide my old black and red vans off.

I see Jack give Alex a hard glare. Alex just shrugs at him; Jack grabs his arm and takes him to one side.

Zack leads me into the basement; the moment I'm out of the way I can hear Jack yelling at Alex.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He shouts.

Alex mutters something.

"She's dead special, something about her. And you fucking abused it you dick." Jack starts again.

"Maybe you should have kissed her then!" Alex shouts really loud.

He trudges downstairs, to the basement, closely followed by Jack.

Jack looks at me. We all fall silent.

Suddenly Alex turns to face me, "So, how's about we play remembering Sunday, eh guys? Just for Jasey."

Alex Begins to sing, WOW he is beautiful. He has an amazing voice as well.

He gets all the way to the bit where the girl joins in, but doesn't take his eyes off me once and I can't help but stare back.

"Join in Jasey!" Jack shouts over Alex.

"B-But I'm not very g-" I try to say.

"Do it!" Jack shouts again, winking at me.

I giggle and start to sing.

They all stop playing after a line and stand there with their mouths open wide.

"WOW, Jasey. You can sing." Zack says, shocked.

"I suppose." I murmur, blushing.

Alex walks forward to me, takes his guitar off and throws it on the chair next to me.

He leans over me and presses his lips against mine.

I put my hands round his neck and he puts his round my waist.

I open one eye to see Jack's face. Priceless. His mouth is in a perfect O shape.

Rian shouts "Get In there Jase!"

He makes me giggle.

I close my eye again and concentrate on where Alex ends and I begin.

As I'm thinking, I feel him smile. I can't help but smile too.

His hands are moving, further down. He was rubbing them down my spine, I shivered with the intensity.

I can hear Jack whistling casually behind me, suddenly he shouts "Can you put her down for like, two seconds while we rehearse?" Alex chuckles and lets go of me.

"So how about we play something new?" Rian suggests.

They all turn to me; I smile

"I'd like that."

They play for ages, I totally lose track of time.

Whilst they're swapping to their acoustics, my phone loudly buzzes.

One New Message: Mom

Get home now Jasey. I need you.

"Shit!" I exclaim.

"Fuck! What?" Jack screams, jumping on the sofa.

"My phone was ringing." I Laugh

"Nice." Zack says, patting Jack on the back.

He coughs and goes back to tuning his guitar.

"Sorry guys, my Mom says I gotta get home to help her unpack." I say, easing myself off the chair.

Alex immediately straightens up, "I will walk you out." He smiles.

Jack jumps forward and kisses my lips lightly, "Cya around Hun. Same time tomorrow?"

"Course. Bye bye Jack-Attack. Bye Rian, Bye Zack" I shout, as Alex ushers me out of the front door.

He closes it behind him and pushes me up against it.

"Alex, I really have to go." I say, trying to push past.

"Why? Will Mommy Get Mad?" He says in a mocking tone, pulling a puppy dog face. "I Will Walk You Home."

"I don't think that's a good idea." I mutter, and I put my arms round his waist.

"Please Jay." He gets down on one knee.

"Okay fine, but get up please." I giggle.

He grabs my hand, and we begin walking.

"When you starting school here?" He finally breaks the silence.

"No idea. Probably Monday. Knowing my Mom she will have already got me in." He laughs.

"Pennybrooke?" he asks.

"That the nearest one?"

"Yeah. Well, I will come to yours in the morning and walk with you, if you want." I smile.

"That would be great. Thanks Alex." I stop, jump onto my tiptoes, and kiss his cheek gently. "This is mine." I pause. "I think."

"Well, I guess this is goodbye." He whispers.

I pretend to wipe a tear. "Come round tomorrow, about one-ish?"

He grins. "Will do."

I turn and take a step towards the path.

I feel a sharp tap on my left shoulder. I spin quickly round to be met by Alex's lips.

I play with his hair, whilst he runs his hands up and down my back. He starts kissing my neck, 'til he gets to my ear, when he whispers, "I guess were together now then?"

"Definitely" I whisper.

Suddenly my Mom comes running outside, "Jasey Rae, What the hell do you think you are doing!"

Alex gives me a quick kiss, then lets go of me.

"Who is that boy!" she shouts.

"Oh shit. Gotta go babe." He winks and starts to run.

I sigh. Was that even real? Any of it? I close my eyes. Trying to make sense of it.

My Mom is very close now; I can feel her hot breath on my cheeks.

I slowly open my eyes. "His name is Alex." I murmur.

"Alex." She repeats. "Stupid girl. Get inside now. Embarrassing us in front of everyone."

I shuffle forward, staring at the ground.

"NOW!" she screams in my ear.

I dash to the door. Covering my ears with my hands.

I run straight to my room, slam the door and jam it shut with a chair. I'm not going to even risk talking to my Mom after what she saw. Most my stuff is still downstairs, so I'm left with nothing to do. I curl up on the floor, enjoying the peace. Just as I'm about to drift off, my phone starts to play Metro station's shake it. As I sit up and reach in my pocket for it, I catch a glimpse of the caller id before I open it to read my text. It's Alex. The butterflies in my stomach are returning and I can't help but smile. I slowly click on view message.

Jasey.

Did you get in much trouble?

Sorry babe xxx

3 Alex

I let out a little shriek of joy. I quickly type back, hoping he would reply.

Alex,

Naah, I ran straight to my room XD

She whacked on the door for a bit but I think she's gone to bed now.

You up to much?

Don't be sorry, it was great (: xxx

3 Jasey-Rae.

As soon as it's sent, I lay back down, letting my mind run wild with what had happened in the day.

Alex's lips on mine. The way he touched me. He made me feel so special. And even thought I haven't known him that long, it feels like I have known him forever.

Suddenly my phone wakes me from my daze again.

HeyHeyJayJay.

You Okay My Sex Kitten?

Love Yer

Jack-Attack xx

I laugh and begin texting back when I get a new text, from Alex this time.

Jasey-Rae

Well that's good isn't it (:

Not really, thinking about you.

I'm off to bed though.

Cya tomorrow babe

3 Alex

I immediately forget about Jack's text and try to text Alex back before he falls asleep.

Alex

Aww, I'm thinking about you too

Same

Cya Hun

3 Jasey-Rae

I don't bother trying to get to sleep, I'll just watch my phone until I fall asleep.

-x-

"Jasey!" I hear my Mom yelling. "Are you awake yet?" She's starting to panic; I can hear it in her voice.

I sigh. "Mom."

"Thank god! You're alive!" she exclaims.

"Yeah… I'm going to see Alex." I mumble.

"What? No way! You are not seeing that boy today Jasey Rae and that is final!" she shouts, banging on my door.

"Did you hear me Jasey!"

"Yeah Mom. I hear you." I scream.

I pick up my phone and text Alex.

Alex.

Sorry, my Mom's being really tight so I'm not allowed to come out.

See you at mine before school?

xxxxxxx

3 Jasey-Rae

As soon as I close my phone, it goes off again.

Jasey

Damn. It's cool babe.

Definitely.

xxxxxxxxxx

3 Alex

I smile, take the chair away from my door and slowly open it.

I look around, but I can't see my Mom.

I run downstairs, grab my small box of belongings and then rush back up.

Finally, I have something to do.

-x-

I wouldn't have woken up if it hadn't of been for my lousy Mother, dropping pots all over the kitchen floor. I groan as I drag myself up, out of bed and pull on whatever is by my side. Not caring what I look like. I look towards the clock, to see how much time I have before Alex arrives.

Shit.

This world must really hate me.

I've overslept by an hour, and he is due in 5 minutes.

I quickly run into the bathroom, put some heavy eye makeup on and back comb my hair a little. I go back into my room to find some clothes that look half decent. I decide on a tight fitting blink 182 t-shirt, a black and red tutu and some red and black stockings. I pick up my phone and text Alex.

Alex.

Come round the right of the house till you see balcony above you, then shout.

xxxxxxx

3 Jasey

I skip downstairs and grab an apple. I can hear my Mom shuffling towards the kitchen.

I run to the front door, open it and then slam it again.

I then tiptoe back to my room and wait for Alex.

It's not long before I see him come round the corner.

Before I know it, I'm out of the window and climbing down the drain pipe, ready to be embraced by his toned arms when I near the floor.

"Hey you," he whispers into my ear before kissing me on the neck. I swivel round to find his awaiting lips.

After a while of perfect bliss he whispers in my ear, "Maybe we should get to school babe. Wouldn't like to be late on your first day now would you." He grabs my hand and winks at me.

School is just as much of a bore as my old one, but at least I have Alex and the guys with me.

He watches over me all the time, taking me to every lesson, luckily either him or Jack have each lesson with me.

The bell finally rings; I quickly grab my books and pens and throw them into my bag. Alex bursts through the door.

"Jaaaaaaaaasey!" He shouts, opening his arms, waiting for a hug.

"Excuse me Mr. Gaskarth, was that really appropriate?" Jack says from behind me, looking up. "Ahh mate!"

He yells running up to him and jumping on him, wrapping his legs round Alex's waist. I giggle.

"Come On!" I shout behind me. Jack has insisted Alex gives him a piggy back all the way to his house.

I can't breathe by the time we get to Jack's because I'm laughing so much.

I hesitate as Jack unlocks the door and steps inside.

"Jase?" Alex says, taking my hand. "What's wrong?"

I let go of him "It-it's my birthday." I stutter.

"What?" Alex exclaims, shocked.

I turn and run. I can hear him running after me, shouting my name.

I get to my front door, scrambling, trying to unlock it before Alex gets to me.

I just open it when he grabs my waist.

"Give me an hour. Then I will be under the balcony." He whispers in my ear. "I love you."

He begins walking away. "I love you too!" I yell.

He looks towards me and blows a kiss.

Wow, he just told me he loves me. I don't think I could feel happier.

I'm buzzing, unable to think or speak.

I walk in smiling, throwing my bag onto the sofa. There's a note on the table.

Gone round to the neighbours.

Got this in the post this morning.

Open it, it's probably from someone back in NY

Happy Birthday Jasey Rae

Love, Mom xx

Next to it was an envelope.

I unfold the envelope and pull out a sheet of pink paper. I scan the letter from my best mate. She goes on and on about how her life is boring. Good old Sophie... always making things seem better for the other person, telling me to have a great birthday and asking how nice people are here. She finishes by saying "I miss you."

As I refold the letter and place it in the envelope, tears overwhelm me, engulfing in my sobs.

I stumble up to my bedroom, blinded by my tears.

My Mom has put my bed against the wall, and pushed the small box filled with my belongings underneath it.

I flop on the bed and begin to sing, my voice quivering as sobs viciously pierce it. I pull the box out and start searching through it. A sharp flash of pain rushes through my hand, I grab what I'm holding and tug my hand out.

It's a photo from the day I left. Our eyes are all puffed up from crying. I look at me, Sophie, Felicity and Nest.

Nest is not her real name, it's just because she always back combed her hair. We always took the piss because it was just so extravagant, at least it's not as bad as mine - Jail bird, because for a whole year I wore only black and white.

I stroke the picture and start crying again. As it has only just hit me how much I miss them all.

"Jasey?" He whispers. "Jasey? Are you awake?"

Suddenly there is a massive crash. I get up and run to the balcony.

He is stood there, one foot in the air, on foot on the balcony. Clinging on for dear life.

I can't help but giggle. I grab his hand and pull him over.

He trips a bit and falls over, pushing me down with him. He is on top of me now.

I can feel myself getting hotter.

"Happy Birthday Babe" He whispers, and then he kisses me.

Puts his mouth on mine, and literally eats me up.

Were getting a bit carried away, but I don't care. I'm legal now.

He starts rubbing his hands on my chest, edging my top up.

I batter him away.

"Alex..." I mumble, sliding backwards.

"Jasey, I'm so sorry." He whispers standing up.

"It's okay." I say, getting up and kissing his lip lightly.

"Want your present?" He says, playing with my hair. Curling it round and round his finger, then letting it go.

"So that wasn't it?" I laugh.

"You wish!" He exclaims. "But seriously, sit down."

We sit on the bed while he fishes in his jacket pocket.

He eventually comes out with a box.

"Open it." His hand is out in front of me.

"Go on." He persists.

I take it and open it slowly.

It's a beautiful gold locket.

"Alex-" I begin, tears stinging my eyes.

"Open it." He smiles.

I click it open and look at the gorgeous photo of Alex.

"It's perfect." I whimper, my voice cracking from the tears that are now rolling down my cheeks.

He takes my face in his hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs.

"I want us to be together forever Jasey. I've never felt this way about anyone. I Love you Jasey Rae. Forever and always."

-x-

One Year Later

"Happy birthday dear Jasey! Happy Birthday to you!" They sing. I rub my eyes and look around my messy bedroom to see my mum and her new boyfriend Kevin smiling and holding hands. I hate seeing them together; it feels like I'm betraying my Dad.

"Can I get dressed now please?" I ask, with an edge to my voice.

They exchange looks, but eventually shuffle away. I look at myself in the mirror.

17 today.

I can hear my phone going off, I jump up and run to it.

New message: Alex 3

Balcony

xxx

I quickly run a brush through my hair, and pull some jeans and my new Green day t-shirt on.

I swing my head over the balcony.

"Hello birthday girl." He whispers.

I smile. It's been a year since I met Alex and we started dating. But he never ceases to amaze me.

He pulls me down and kisses me hard.

"Your present is at Jack's. You coming?" He asks.

"Of course" I smile.

We walk to Jack's hand in hand. He asks me what my parents got me.

I immediately break down in tears.

"What's wrong babe? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" he hugs me tight.

"You know my Dad died, and now my Mom has a new boyfriend. I can't stand to look at them together." I confess.

"You don't like him?" He strokes my hair.

"I just don't like my Mom looking at him the way she used to look at my Dad."

"I understand Jase." We stand there in silence until I stop crying.

Then we slowly approach Jack's House.

Just before we go in Alex kisses me lightly on the cheek.

"Don't worry, I will always be here." He smiles.

Alex knocks.

I can hear someone yelling and then a few crashes and bangs before Jack finally opens the door casually.

As soon as he sees me he leaps forward, takes my face in his hands and kisses me.

It isn't just a peck; it's a proper kiss, mouths open and all. I close my eyes and begin studying him.

"Jack." Alex says, sounding impatient. "Please can you put my girlfriend down so we can go inside?"

Jack drops me and steps back.

"Sure. Happy birthday Jase." He smiles.

Instead of following Jack down into the basement, Alex leads me upstairs and into Jack's bedroom.

I can tell its Jack's bedroom because there are guitars and clothes everywhere.

Alex shuts the door and locks it. I shoot him a puzzled look.

He starts walking towards me, forcing me onto the bed.

I'm just about to question him when he puts his mouth on mine. Kissing me gently, then hard. He starts touching me, all over, making me feel so good. I can't wait another second. I want his body on mine. I want him to smother me with his weight. Breathe him in. My heart begins to pound. He stops kissing me for a second and traces my lips with his finger.

I'm trembling and in that second I realize that even though I'm dying for him, I'm scared, too. I'm grateful that he hasn't started ripping off his clothes or anything, it kind of seems like he is savoring the moment. In fact, it's like the whole world has gone into slow motion.

He smiles at me.

"You sure you're ready Jasey?"

I mumble.

I don't want to talk, to think, to reason.

I've already made my decision.

His hands are big and they're everywhere, stroking, squeezing, touching, rubbing.

My body seems like one big blur.

"You're so soft. You feel so good."

Making him feel good makes me feel good.

I want more of that.

Pretty soon I have what I wanted.

The full weight of his body lying on top of mine.

Breathing him in.

This feels right.

His face presses into my neck, our bodies press together, in this split second it's like I've known him forever, like were connected, linked up.

-x-

We quickly get dressed, not talking, but occasionally looking at each other then immediately looking away. I slide my jeans over my thighs.

What have I done? I pull my top on and shuffle out, not saying a word to Alex.

I start walking down the corridor, towards the stairs. I'm stood at the top now. Looking down at the twisting and turning staircase.

"Jasey," I hear faintly from behind me.

I immediately turn around. He is stood in the doorway of Jack's room.

"We going down to the basement?" he smiles.

A huge grin sweeps across my face. He has to be the best, most gorgeous boyfriend ever. He takes my hand and we walk down together.

-x-

So here we are, outside my house. Alex hasn't come round the front since that day my Mom yelled at him, last year. She knows were dating, but she doesn't approve.

He leans in to kiss me, and here she is again, shouting and balling. I close my eyes and carry on. Feeling his tender lips touch mine once more before I go inside.

"We have something to tell you Jasey." Kev says. My mum is practically jumping up and down. Oh god. My smile drops.

"We're getting married!" She shouts and begins spinning around, laughing. I've not seen her this happy in ages. I can't think straight. Marriage? To Kev? I just can't picture it. They are dancing now, his arms round her waist, hers round his neck. I can't take this. Tears start rolling down my cheeks.

"Stop!" I yell "Just stop it!"

They freeze and look at me, puzzled.

"What's wrong Hun?" Kev asks, letting go of my Mom and stepping towards me.

"I'm not your fucking Hun, alright?" He looks hurt. I didn't mean to say it, it just slipped out. He is a decent guy, but, he isn't my father.

"How dare you, Jasey Rae Collins!" my Mom shouts. I walk up to her, and put my face very close to hers. I hate it when she calls me her maiden name. I usually go by my Dads last name, Harbron.

"It's not Collins. It's Gaskarth."

She slaps me so hard; I can feel my cheek reddening.

A wave of anger dries my tears.

"I hate you!" I scream. She take a step back. Shit, what have I done? I want to say I'm sorry and hug her tight. But instead,I run.

All the way to my room, then I lock the door behind me. Suddenly I feel alone. Its hits me, why she got so mad when I said Alex's name.

She hates him. No she doesn't, she hates me being happy!

I look around for something to smash up. I take my phone out of my pocket and stab my finger into the keys, dialing Alex's number. I start to cry.

"Jasey?" He answers.

"I- I need you..." I stutter.

His voice sounds panicky. "What's happened? Jasey, what's wrong?"

I can't bring myself to tell him through the phone so I slam it shut and throw it at the wall opposite. I begin to feel my old urges rising, I try to fight it, but it's too strong and I just can't. I look down at my arms. It's unbearable; all I want is to let my anger out through pain and blood. I slowly ease myself up and tiptoe to my on en suite. My hands are shaking and I know I shouldn't. But I just can't ignore it any more. I open the cupboard above my sink. I begin throwing things on the floor, searching for the old rusty razor that used to by my best friend. I've found it; it was right at the back. Hiding from me.

"Jasey?" My Mom shouts. She is hammering on my bedroom door, but the lock isn't THAT strong. I rush to the bathroom door and sit against it, so even if she gets in my bedroom, she can't get in here.

I hold the blade in my right hand and turn my left arm over. I sigh. Why am I doing this?

I can't stop now. I close my eyes and take 4 short slashes then a long one, pushing the razor right into my arm, then dragging it down.

I can't bring myself to look. I just sit there and sob.

What have I done?

She's got in my room now. Obviously looking in my wardrobe and under my bed, to see if I'm hiding.

My arm is throbbing now, but I still can't bring myself to look. I thought I was over cutting. Fuck.

I need Alex.

Alex is the only one keeping me sane.

Keeping me alive.

He is the only one who cares about me.

Oh God, I'm starting to feel a little faint.

"Jase?" Alex says, in a hushed tone.

I turn to the door and put my ear against it.

I hear all the clattering of my Mom stop.

"What are you doing here?" She bellows at Alex.

"Leave him alone!" I mean to shout, but my voice just comes out as a whisper.

Suddenly his voice is very close.

"Jasey, please unlock the door, so I can come help you."

I struggle to stand. My legs feeling weak. I have my hand on the lock, ready to undo it and let them in. I can't do it.

I don't have enough strength.

"Jasey?" Alex shouts, banging on the door.

"Jasey?" My Mom repeats.

"Move back babe, I'm going to kick the door in." Alex says, trying to sound okay, but the tears are cracking his voice.

"I love you Alex." I whisper.

-x-

I must have blacked out after that, because I suddenly awaken in a hospital with bandages all up my arm. I begin to panic.

"Alex! Alex!" I'm shouting, but it isn't coming out. I start to cry. What's happening?

I close my eyes tight, wishing it all away.

"Don't cry." A calm voice says, pushing a tissue into my hand. I slowly open my eyes. It's a nurse, she's smiling at me.

"Jasey, isn't it?" she whispers, tucking the covers under me.

"Yeah." I try to say, but again, nothing.

"Oh, sorry I forgot. Don't worry about your voice. It's just a side effect to the pain killer we had to give you." She glances at my arms, then smiles again.

I smile back.

"We've got you this pen and paper for the moment." She hands me them.

"I'm Susan. Just ring the bell at the side of you if you need me." And then she walks away. I'm just about to close my eyes again when she comes skipping back.

"Boyfriend?" She asks, pointing to the other side of me. There is Alex, asleep in the bed next to me. I grin and nod.

"Hmm, he hasn't left your side since you came in. Sweet boy obviously cares a lot about you. He had to be dragged out of the theatre, wouldn't leave, said he needed to be there." She puts her hand on my bandage. "Kissed every inch of that bandage, wishing it to heal and forgive you of the pain."

I push the lid off the pen and find a clean page.

Where is my Mom? I write. She looks anxious. At that moment, Kev walks in.

I turn to Susan and point at Alex.

She goes and gently wakes him up. His eyes are all swollen from crying.

"Jasey wants you." She beams.

He is immediately by my side.

I stroke his hair with my right hand and kiss him gently.

I open my eyes to see his staring at the note on my paper. I give him a puzzled look.

He shoots one at Kev.

"Jasey..." Alex says. He lets go of me and strokes my bandaged arm.

Kev comes and stands beside the bed, behind Alex.

Kev starts to cry. Alex pats him on the back.

"It's okay, mate." He says, tears prickling his eyes.

I can't even ask him what's wrong.

He turns back to me.

"Jasey, your Mom committed suicide last night."

I'm speechless. I shake my head.

I want to scream at him, make him tell me it's all a misunderstanding and she isn't really dead.

No!

I've had too much death in my life and I can't handle this.

The last thing I said to her was, "I hate you."

Tears start rolling down my cheeks.

Please. No. What do I have now?

Before my Gran died, my Mom tried this.

Took my razor blade and slit her wrists.

Luckily I found her just in time, rang an ambulance, and it was all okay.

Why? Why Her?

This is entirely my fault.

Alex gets into the bed with me, and I shuffle over.

"I'm so sorry Jase." He whispers, and holds me tight.

I can see Kev stood there, looking edgy.

He isn't a bad guy. I'm just too stubborn. God, why am I such an idiot?

I burst into tears now. I just can't stop myself.

"Let it all out Jasey." He says, and comes to sit beside me.

After ages of crying and explaining, Kev said

"Jasey, if you're ready, you can go see her."

I felt like my heart had stopped pumping.

I nodded, in a daze. They lead me to the morgue. Alex, Susan and Kev.

Susan steps forward and opens the door.

Kev and Alex begin walking in. I stop.

I don't know if I can do this.

Alex turns to me, takes my hands and kisses me gently.

For a second my mind clears, and I'm able to do anything.

Then he lets go and I return to the real world.

"You can do it" he mouths. I shake my head slightly.

Susan smiles at me sympathetically. I take a big breath and walk in.

Its agony waiting for Susan to pull the white cover from my Mother's head, to see her blank face, her lifeless body.

She must have seen my expression, because she pulled it off quickly and shuffled away muttering something about leaving us to grieve.

I slowly approach the table. I bite my lip to stop myself screaming. Alex puts his arm around me and I look up at him. He is crying too.

I lightly stroke her hair away from her face. She is beautiful. I let my tears drip onto her soft skin. I remember what she told me before, it all flashes back. Standing in this exact position, but looking up at my dad this time.

"Don't worry Jasey. Your Dad loved you, and that is all that matters right now. Just forget all the times he got angry or upset. Remember the smiles and the laughter." She gave me the tightest hug ever that day. I could feel her crying into my shoulder, and all I could do was cry too.

I try to remember the happy times with my Mom, but I just can't. There is nothing there. When my Dad died, she said that it was okay, because she was going to be there. But now she isn't, who do I have left?

I step back,

I can't bear to see her like this,

I tug on Alex's arm.

I want to go home.

But where is home?

-x-

So here we are, lying on Alex's bed. I'm curled up on his chest, listening to his heart beat through his t-shirt.

I think he's asleep, but I don't care. I'm going to lay here until I am too.

I am just drifting off, when my phone vibrates.

My voice has just about come back now, so I answer in a hushed tone so not to wake Alex.

"Hello?" I whisper.

"Jasey? Hey, it's your Aunt Sally"

"Oh hey"

"Jasey, I'm calling about where you're going to live now. I think Jersey has too many bad memories."

"B-but you live in England. And I'm fine here, I can live with Alex." I stammer.

"I'm sorry Jasey, I would let you if I could."

"Please Aunt Sally. I have a life here." I beg, the tears are returning.

"Kevin told me where you are, and I'm outside."

"Please Aunt Sally." I cry.

"I'm sorry Jasey, come out whenever you're ready, and don't do anything daft. I love you"

I press end call. I never been one to say 'I love you too', I only say it to Alex, because I truly mean it.

Alex.

How am I going to tell him?

I can't stand to see him cry.

But I can't leave without saying anything.

I get off him and walk to his desk. I scrabble in his bottom drawer looking for some paper and a pen.

No luck.

I slide open the top drawer, there, sat on the top is Alex's song book.

I take a deep breath and snatch it.

I open it a page because it has a pen between the pages.

It's titled 'Jasey Rae'.

It doesn't have any lyrics, but now it has water droplets on it.

I tear it out and turn it over.

I write...

Alex,

I don't want you to feel that I have stabbed you in the back by not saying goodbye.

You have been with me through everything, and you have no idea how thankful I am.

I'm sorry that I have to leave, but don't waste your time on me. You're a great guy so you won't have any trouble finding someone new.

So keep the image of me in your head.

I can't really make this easy on either of us, so I'm sorry that this letter will hurt you.

Nobody else will ever mean half as much to me as you do now, and whenever I am with anyone else I will be thinking of you.

So if you hate me now, then call me a name and kill me with words.

Just remember that I love you.

And I mean it.

But forget about me, it's what I deserve.

Jasey Rae.

I fold up the paper and write 'Goodbye Alex' on the side facing upwards, I then place it in his hand. A tear falls on his arm and he stirs, but luckily doesn't wake up. I kiss his forehead and take a mental picture of his beautiful face.

I don't know how I am going to live without him.

I take one last look as I exit his room and enter the landing.

I walk down the stairs and into the hall.

I stand there, staring at the front door.

Sunday 19th November.

It's raining heavily outside.

Sunday 19th November.

The day I saw my Mother's dead body.

Sunday 19th November.

The day I left my boyfriend, the one, my true love.

Sunday 19th November.

The day I officially died inside.

Sunday 19th November.

The day my life ended.

The rain is so cold on my face, but I can't feel it, I'm so numb.

I can see some faint headlights from across the road.

This is it.

This is goodbye.

I take a big breath and up my pace.

I cross the road without even looking and hear several horns.

I am clutching the door handle.

I close my eyes.

Is this really happening?

"Jasey, please!" I hear a scream from behind me.

Alex is on his knees on the soaking wet grass. He is drenched but you can still see the tears falling from his eyes.

He is whispering something when suddenly he collapses onto the ground.

I should go help him.

Be with him.

But I know I can't.

I pull on the handle and get in.

The rain used to make me smile.

But now...

now.

It makes me cry.

-x-

I stare down at the wand.

Surely there has to be some mistake?

Not now, please.

I shake it and take another look.

Still the same answer.

Pregnant.

-x-

**Four Years Later**

"Robyn please." He moans.

"Oli, no. I'm not ready." I push him away.

He sighs.

Shit, I've screwed up again.

"Oli, babe, I'm sorry, I'm just not ready."

"Okay." He murmurs and gets up.

"I'm gonna go set up." So he leaves.

I think about following him, but then it hits me that I haven't done anything wrong.

Let him be an idiot.

I grab my hoodie and walk out of them BMTH bus.

I can hear Oli swearing into the mic.

I smile, god, Oli makes me laugh.

That's why I'm with him.

There are so many tour buses here. How many bands even play warped tour?

Whoa, backstage is so cool. Loads of people buzzing round.

This is the first festival thing Oli has let me come backstage to.

"All time low to the main stage."

Did I hear right?

All time low?

I sneak to the stage and hide behind the curtain.

I shouldn't be doing this.

Last time I saw all time low, they were an unsigned band living on the outskirts of New Jersey.

Okay, I really shouldn't be doing this.

I shut my eyes tight and step back.

"Careful Missy!" Someone's hands are round my waist.

I open my eyes expecting Oli.

I turn to look at who it is.

It's Jack.

Oh no.

He widens his eyes.

I hesitate then blurt out.

"Thanks mate." I smile at him.

He was always quite cute, but now he is quite gorgeous.

I don't think he recognized me.

Thank god.

My strong Yorkshire accent probably mislead him.

He grins.

"Who you with then?" He asks.

I should just say I have to go, but I've really missed talking to him.

"Bring me the horizon."

"Aaah. Wait, are you the girl Oli is with?"

I look down.

I'm still edgy about blowing my cover.

"Yep." I beam.

"I'm Jack." He holds out his hand to me.

"I know..." I mumble.

"Huh?"

Shit.

"Oh nothing, I'm Robyn." He laughs. I quickly shake his hand.

"Awesome, anyway, I gotta go. Cya around Robyn."

Then he's gone.

I stop for a moment.

Only Jack? No Zack? Or Rian?

Or Alex?

I shake my head.

I should be glad there is no sign of Alex.

I need to get back to the bus before Alex comes.

I start to run.

I'm getting shot dirty looks from every angle, but I don't care.

Oh no.

He's walking towards me.

Keep your head down and just keep running Jasey.

Just keep running.

I'm about to pass him.

I glance up.

His eyes hit mine.

"Jasey." he mouths.

I just carry on running.

No, no, no.

4 years and it all goes wrong in a second.

"Jasey!" I hear Alex shout from behind me.

Just keep running.

"Jasey!"

Just keep running.

"What's wrong?" Oli asks as I race in and lock the door quickly behind me.

I start to cry.

He rushes to me and holds me.

"Oh Robyn. What happened?"

I stutter.

"Alex, he-he recognized me!"

"Oh fuck, what do you think he will do?"

He is getting really worked up about it.

He takes my hands.

"Robyn, what will he do?"

I sigh.

"I don't know Oli, I just don't know."

He drops me and franticly starts packing things up.

I slid down the wall 'til I hit the floor.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

He pauses.

"We- you need to leave."

I immediately get to my feet.

"Oli..."

He turns to me, tears brimming in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Robyn."

He walks over to me and pushes my blondey brown hair behind my ear, then kisses me gently.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

Shit.

We both freeze.

"I'll get it, and keep them in the doorway. Sit on one of the bunks, and don't say a word." He kisses me lightly, spins me round, then smacks my arse.

He really has no sense of timing.

"Oh hey." I hear Oli say, he sounds pretty calm. But I think I'll play it safe and stay up here.

"You'll never guess who I just met." A familiar voice says.

"Go on." Oli Laughs, edgily.

"Robyn."

Silence.

"Or should I say Jasey?"

Still silence.

"C'mon Jase, come out."

Oh god.

I close my eyes tight.

The curtain suddenly rips back and unveils me.

"I'm sorry." I manage to whisper.

I open my eyes.

It's Jack.

"I didn't get it. Nice disguise. Then Alex came to me, absolutely fucking distraught. Saying he'd seen you."

He turns away.

"You fucking ruined him."

I try to explain but he won't let me.

"At least he got a fucking goodbye."

He walks to the sofas and sits down.

"Fucking explain then Jasey. C'mon I'm waiting."

Oli butts in.

"Oi mate, that's not fair, let her be."

Jack stands back up and gets close to Oli. His face right in Oli's.

"You don't even know the half of it, and I'm not your mate."

Oli pushes him onto the sofa.

"I see why you're with him then Jase, or is he just a part of your disguise too?"

I know that Jack is being really mean, but I deserve it, and when I first started going out with Oli it was partly for a cover and partly because I needed to get over Alex.

But over the years, Oli has really grown on me.

He is my boyfriend and he means a lot to me.

But no one could ever mean half as much to me as Alex did.

Does.

I do still love Alex.

"C'mon Jasey, we're waiting", Jack shouts.

"Jasey.", Oli steps back, looking hurt.

"She can't reassure you, 'cause she's a fucking liar!" Jack gets up and starts to walk towards me.

He gets to me and pushes me back.

I look at Oli.

Oh God.

He's sobbing.

"Oli..." I whisper.

A wave of anger dries his tears.

"You fucking used me, and you expect me to be okay with that?"

I look down.

"DO YOU?" Jack screams in my face.

"NO!" I yell. "I'm sorry."

I turn and run, out of the bus and through the car park, up the stairs and into Hair & Make-up.

There, sat right in front of me is Alex.

He has his back to me, but I can see, in the mirror, that he's crying.

He has something in his hand; a photo, I think.

Yeah, a photo.

A photo of me.

He is stroking the side of my face and whispering.

I try to get a bit closer so I can hear, but he spots me.

Almost jumping out of his seat.

"Don't even start, I've had enough. I know that I'm a bitch and that it was wrong to leave you, but I had to. Don't you see, Alex? I was falling in love with you." I turn around and walk towards the door when suddenly there is a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't want to fight, I just want you to know that I was falling in love with you too."

I stop.

"You- You were?"

"Yeah. I haven't been the same since you left. Nothing means anything to me anymore."

A perfect moment.

I should jump on him and kiss him, sparks would fly, but...

"I can't do this, Alex."

"But Jasey, we love each other."

"No, Alex." It comes out.

I don't mean to say it, but he deserves to know.

"Every time I look at you, I see his face..."

I sigh.

"Who's, Oli's?"

He steps back.

"No, Jamie's."

I fall to my knees; I hate talking about him.

Alex bends down in front of me.

"Alex, you have a son."

A smile spreads across his face.

"I do? Jasey..."

He hugs me tight.

I need to cherish this moment, before I ruin it, and ruin Alex's dreams.

"He was born premature. He had severe breathing problems. He died 12 hours after he was born.

He pulls away.

"W-What?"

Tears crack my voice.

"I'm so sorry, Alex."

He silently gets up and begins to walk towards the door.

I can't bring myself to follow him.

He's just walking through the door when he says, "Thanks for being honest, and I'm sorry. I think it's better if after today, we just go back to how it was before we met. Me being me, and you... well, just not knowing me. I think it's better that way, whether we love each other or not."

And then he's gone.

I don't know where to go. I can't go back to Oli, or the BMTH bus.

There is nothing for me here.

I might go and see who's on the main stage.

Maybe make some friends.

When I left "Jasey Rae" behind, I left everyone and everything that ever meant anything to her behind, too.

Since then, I've never really had friends, I had Oli. That's all I needed.

I'm pretty sure everyone I walk past knows who I am and what happened.

I can see Rian and Zack behind the curtain of the main stage.

Shit.

They've seen me.

Another earful coming my way.

"Jasey? Jasey, is that you?"

I sigh.

"Unfortunately, yes it is."

"Long time!" Zack shouts.

They both run to me and hug me tight.

"Don't you hate me?"

"Whoa." Rian says and pulls back. "Why would we hate you?"

"I don't know, cause I left you guys?"

Zack is still holding on.

"We've missed you so much." He lets go. "We did really hate what you did to Alex and how you handled the situation." Rian interrupts, "But then me and Zack realized that it just happened. A lot of stuff had gone on for you, and what we shouldn't do is make it worse."

I smile. "I love you guys."

"We love you too."

More hugs.

"But we're about to go on, why don't you watch?" Rian says, picking up his drum sticks.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm not sure Alex or Jack would be very happy about it."

"Don't worry, Jase. We'll talk to them."

They quickly kiss me on the cheek and run on stage.

I can hear Alex talking to the crowd. He must have gone on the other side of the stage.

"Where's Jack?" I hear Alex ask.

He rushes past me.

"Jack. Please can we talk?" I say, grabbing his arm.

"Not now, Jasey." He shouts, and shakes me off.

"Jack, please".

He sighs.

"Jasey, I really don't want to talk to you."

Then he runs on stage.

I walk to the side of the stage, and look at Alex. They start to play Dear Maria.

Alex, Jack at Zack are all jumping around, then Alex notices me.

He immediately stops playing.

He walks up to the mic while Zack, Jack and Rian die down.

"I have been through a lot in the last 5 years. But I think that right now would be the perfect time to tell her how I feel."

He turns to Jack and shakes his head.

Jack and Zack put their instruments down and sit on the raised bit of the stage.

"I would like to play a song that only the band has ever heard before."

He begins to play.

"Lights out, I still hear the rain, these images that fill my head, now keep my fingers from making mistakes, tell my voice what it takes, to speak up, speak up, and keep my conscience clean when I wake."

These words, I've heard them before.

My note.

The one I wrote before I left.

He's turned the words into a song.

"Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey."

Oh my God.

It's about me.

I put my hands on my mouth to stop myself screaming.

Tears are running down my cheeks.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

He finishes the song, and whispers into the mic.

"Whatever happens, I'm sorry. I love you."

"I love you too." I mutter.

"I love you too!" I run on stage and to Alex.

He bursts into tears.

"I'm so sorry Jasey." He says.

"You just fucking fell for it again!" Jack shouts, then runs off stage.

"I'll go after him," Zack says.

"Me too." Rian whispers.

They both follow him.

Me and Alex are left standing there, staring at each other.

"Oli." I mumble and look down.

"C'mon." Alex says. "Let's go talk to him."

We rush off shouting "Thanks, you've been awesome!" And laughing.

-x-

"Why are you here Robyn, Jasey whatever?" He says when he opens the door. "Oh great, and you brought your boyfriend."

He tries to shut the door but Alex puts his foot in the way.

"Jasey and I have decided to be just friends." Alex smiles.

"Whatever, Jasey doesn't even like me."

"No." I mumble. "I love you."

"Y-You do?" Oli stammers.

I nod.

Its do hard to lie to him like that and I know it's really mean to lead him on. But I'm going to be with Oli, and then when we fight, I will break up with him and go with Alex. I just can't stand to upset Oli as much as I have today. At least now he thinks I love him.

He leans forward and kisses me. I want to pull away, because I know what Alex will be feeling like.

I just close my eyes and think about Alex.

He eventually lets go.

"I'm sorry Oli." I whisper.

"It's okay Jasey. I'm sorry too."

He looks at Alex.

"No hard feelings mate."

He holds out his hand.

"It's cool." Alex grins and shakes it.

"Anyway, we have to go find Jack." I say.

I quickly kiss Oli's cheek and grab Alex's hand.

"Bye babe!" Oli shouts.

"Bye sexy!" Alex shouts.

I giggle.

-x-

I can see Jack now.

He is standing across the road from us, shouting at Rian and Zack.

"Let me go and talk to him first. Two minutes."

He takes a quick look around then grabs my face and kisses me hard.

He glances left and right then jogs across.

So I'm left stranded.

Alex points to me and Jack goes ballistic.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to talk to him.

I step straight out,

Without looking.

I didn't see the bus until the last second.


End file.
